Stop it With the Sad Eyes

No. Seriously. Stop.

I just want to have a normal conversation and not see hints of sadness and pity in your eyes. There is no room left at the kick ass pity party I'm throwing for myself. So take your wine and your gentle words the GTFO.

I want to get through one day, just ONE day, where I don't want pull your sad eyes out of your head. You know who you are. My friend, my family member, my co-worker. It's not that I don't love you. I do. And I know you love me and that's what brings us to sad eyes. But seriously. You're not helping. Not any more.

This thing I'm going through, you don't get it. I know you don't get it. I hope you never get it. I don't want you to EVER be in the same boat I am. And that's okay. But stop being sad for me. Help me change my perspective. Let's celebrate the things that are going right! Let's take joy in what I have been doing for myself and not dwell on the heartbreak that got me here. God, let's be ecstatic that we didn't freeze our nuts off this weekend. Whatever we celebrate, let's do it without the sad eyes.

Actually, let's just not talk about me at all. That would be great. We can cover the peripheral stuff: work, house, car, weather. Let's just leave those top layers on though. I'm okay with it. I'm comfortable enough with myself that I don't need to talk about my problems all the goddam time. And if I do want to talk about them, please find my pragmatism refreshing and honest, and don't perceive it as me trying to hide something, or putting on a "brave face". Fuck that shit. I'm an adult, dealing with a very adult issue. You know me well enough to know that I will tell you what you need to know, when you need to know it, and I'm okay dealing with adversity. I am just so over talking about my feelings with you. I'm over trying to explain where my head is at, because it is so far from anywhere you've been that it just doesn't matter.  I have zero expectations that you can look at me and honestly say "I understand". That's fine.

But...if you insist on giving me sad eyes, do me a favour, would you? Stop trying to fix me. I've got that part covered. I'm doing my very darndest to fix me and I don't need anyone else doing that for me. I know. You're being a good friend, family member, whatever, you care, you love me. But this journey is for me to take. Not you. Me. It's cold and lonely out here, but I have to do it on my own. Like some sort of vision quest, but my only guide is me, and I can check in with one person only, and I love you, but it's not you.

I'm not saying you can't feel sorrow for me (I would question our relationship a lot if you didn't actually). Do that, but be constructive about it. I need you to take me out of these dark moments, throw a little sunshine my way, remind me that life carries on. If you find yourself feeling sad for me, be happy with me instead.

And understand something else, in case it hasn't become clear yet. This is a very alienating thing to go through. I literally, have no one to talk to, to commiserate with. No one to ask if what I'm feeling is normal. If the hostility I have towards sad eyes, or my body is normal. And the only person who has a hint of what I'm experiencing first hand, experienced it in a completely different way. So that's not entirely helpful either.

So, I love you. So much. My life wouldn't be what it is without you. And I am so glad to know that you care so much about what's going on with me. You are truly wonderful. But seriously, stop it with the eyes. Let me enjoy my party of one. Let me be angry, and sad and overjoyed and underwhelmed. And make yourself the joy in my life. Let's just talk about you.